Hey everyone!
Me and WH are going to be back next week with 4 reviews of critically panned comic book movies:
8/21 - X-men Apocalypse (with Cam Hawkins)
8/28 - X-men Dark Phoenix (guest TBA)
9/4 - New Mutants (guest Scrump)
9/11 - Madame Web (with Wai)
We’ll continue the week after with weekly reviews of Agatha All Along, which we’ll have a separate thread for. Given the schedule, feel free to leave your thoughts for each of these movies!!
THE CAM HAWKINGS FROM THE RINGER!?
Well now this shownhas become a MUST listen for me.
Dc jermaine from Chicago. Very happy to see cam Hawkins on the show. I dont like to pat myself on the back. Little do people know, I helped open the forbidden door from post wrestling and the torch. I put a podcast together from Nate Milton of post wrestling and cam Hawkins of the torch. In the words of the final boss, you’re welcome. I saw great value suicide squad 3 um I mean the thunderbolts trailer, this is a movie I’m looking forward to the trailer was good. Can’t wait to see them fight sentry one of the 15 Superman man clones that marvels has. On to my review of this X-men movie that someone said comics or origins be damn we will do it our own way. James McAvoy and Michael fassbender (he over acts sometime) always bring it and get the relationship of professor x and magneto right. Jennifer Lawrence remains the Roman reings of the X-men films. I’m just here for a check and the less I come to work the happier I am. Oscar Isaac tried but that’s not my apocalypse (more like Ivan ooze)The X-men cartoon from the 90s is what he should be. That makeup was worst then the skrulls in secret invasion. I love phylocke the half British asian (depends how they write it) bombshell. She is so under represented in live action, rather have a phylocke show then a Agatha all alone or a echo but that’s me. The movie goes too crazy with the cgi in the end for me. How many times does the research institute needs to be blown up? We seen it already. It’s odd to have quicksilver be magneto son but have Wanda no where in sight. Bad movie not Michael B Jordan fantastic four bad but more on the level of love and thunder and lowest grossing mcu movie the marvels. It’s the blade trinity of the X-men movies. 4/10 I’m really committed to this podcast to watch this low tier marvel stuff. I’m out
Hello fellow H8rs! I was worried about going through MCU L8r withdrawals before Agatha started, but in pure monkey paw curling fashion… we’re now reviewing the worst of the worst? Dear God, what have I done?!
Anyway, I actually don’t think this movie is outright awful. Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen it and was expecting much worse, but it’s better than X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine at least. Don’t get me wrong: I’d never say this movie is good, but it’s more dumb, boring and aggressively mediocre than anything. Sure, these characters rarely resemble their comic book counterparts. Yes, there’s also “clever” commentary like soldiers being represented with the acronym “MCU.” Still, such on the nose humour returns with great irony as the train wreck of a third act is literally a train wreck. And also… the X-Phone! How can you go wrong with a movie that has an X-Phone? The answer is obvious.
While there’s a lot to dissect, I’ll say the main players were trying their darnedest to sell this thing. J-Law pulled a Harrison Ford because she knew it was the last time she’d be doing this crap. Even though he’s flipped between heel and face more times than The Big Show, Michael Fassbender brought some much needed weight to his role. James MacAvoy also did his best to propel this thing as Professor X… despite the character being an absolute sociopath. Really, the movie was at its best when these three got to do their thing. Maybe it’s also because they’ve built that chemistry across four movies.
I never thought Sophie Turner was a great pick for Jean Grey, but she did a good job differentiating both sides of the character: I felt especially uneasy when she made Chuck walk to her like a puppet… even if he deserved it. To a lesser extent, Nicholas Holt also got to flex his acting chops a bit. As for the rest? It felt like no one got to play a three dimensional character. That’s a big problem when you’re adapting a storyline that relies so heavily on Jean’s connection to the team.
The biggest problem for me though was the lack of a compelling villain and wild character shifts that occurred throughout the film. While his anger with Charles made sense, Hank suddenly being cool with murdering a friend was insane. Nightcrawler going berserk on the aliens because they killed a dude whose son had his action figure was the total opposite of that character. Raven being a calming presence to talk Jean down? Um… #notmymystique. And seriously… what was up with Xavier sacrificing women at every turn? I understand things didn’t work out with Moira but dude needs some better coping mechanisms.
Finally, I watched this film with my wife and she took her own notes. Beyond watching all X-Films, X-adjacent movies and mainstream stuff, she mainly gets comic book details about characters from me. This was also her first time catching the movie.
Here’s what she wrote down while watching:
Blockquote
So many questions about a man in a wheelchair gaining access to a little girl in the hospital… and he just takes her that day?
I like that he’s driving the car, but how does that all work with the unloading of the wheelchair.
The X phone? It’s like the bat phone but black.
How brilliant is Beast? He builds air craft, space shuttles, wheelchairs, does medical exams… do you think he gets patents? He could make a killing.
About using powers to rescue astronauts: Is there weather in space? Can one speed run in zero gravity? How come space helmets seem optional? the Xmen don’t need them?
Are we sure they killed all of the aliens? They were shapeshifters. Maybe Jean missed one. No way of knowing now.
why weren’t the kids allowed at Raven’s funeral?" (BA’s note: My wife was very hung up on why they would not let the students outside with the rest of the team for this.)
Wife’s main take aways after watching the movie:
Blockquote
1, Xavier needs to learn about consent. I mean, he has no restraint or respect for others’ minds.
2, Everyone is cool with Xavier’s lack of consent. Scott gets mad at Jean for reading his mind without asking, but no one seems surprised the Professor does this constantly.
3, They’re called the X-men because the men definitely outlive the ladies. And they’re treated better.
4, Phoenix doesn’t actually kill anything intentionally until Jean DOES control her powers.
5, Xavier was terrible for lying to Jean about her dad, but he’s not really because it was out of love? Once again, Xavier seems to get a pass. See, you can lie to someone, read their mind whenever, and let them believe their dad is dead if you had good intentions. All is forgiven.
6, I still want a Charles Xavier origin movie, complete with him realizing the full extent of his powers… but not this Charles Xavier. One that knows about consent. One who isn’t dismissive of someone who’s supposed to be like a sister to him.
7, Raven hates going on missions, despite having agreed to this role. Is it the X-phone that went too far?
8, Basically, Xavier has no true character growth for the entire series. None. Stuff happens, yes. He does not truly grow. I won’t die on this hill; I’ll defend my position but I will be victorious.
That’s all I’ve got. Continuing the theme of the monkey’s paw curling, I was going to tell you to enjoy a stale 2L bottle of room temperature Diet Vernor’s. Let’s be honest though, no one deserves that.
Until next time, enjoy a crisp ice cold can of Canada Dry and make mine MCU l8r, H8rs. Park mark out! Brap brap!
Dc jermaine from Chicago. What’s up wh and cricket expert rich. Ok let me address something really quick. Last week rich made me seem like I’m out her lying or insane about a podcast I put together in 2020 with Nate Milton and cam Hawkins. Nate will tell you it happen. Two wh, you have a public store. Tell the whole story, me and my girl came in and I said hi then I shopped for dc comic books. It wasn’t weird to her or me. On to my review of X-men dark Phoenix. Look the X-men have wonderful stories like powers of x, Mutant massacre or inferno. We didn’t have to see the Phoenix saga for the 3rd time (cartoon included) we want new stuff. This movie made 52 million dollars a very like… the marvels type gross. It was a bomb that would make Oppenheimer jealous .This movie was dedicated to the great Stan lee. No one could take a man’s credit like he did. I remember this movie hit during the wave of 3d so that was cool. When Jean kills raven Jennifer Lawerence was happier as ever. I could not buy Hank wanting to kill Jean, that’s not how I see beast. The aliens coming to earth for Jean and wanting to take over earth plot I just wasn’t feeling it like the bloodline saga. I never thought Sophia turner was a good Jean and just got casted because game of thrones was hot. Why did storm who is one of the most over X-men get no shine in this movie? It wasn’t a bad movie but it wasn’t good like James Gunn the suicide squad. 6/10. I really appreciate you guys efforts, have a great week mcu later.
Greetings Team Make A Wish… even if that wish was made by using the monkey’s paw.
Lions and tigers and bears… oh my. What in God’s green earth was this movie supposed to be? I’m still not sure I know, but I can definitely tell you what it was: This… movie… was… soooooo… boring! It had a plot but still felt like random things happening without much coherence. While I can blame the editing for that, the lack of a real villain didn’t help. Reading up on Wikipedia, this was also by design. It sounds like Director Josh Boon definitely had an interesting vision, but I’m not sure how much of it we saw. Either way, he’s to blame for the team not being a real team and lack of antagonist, so he definitely isn’t innocent. (I’m sorry, but I’ll never take Dr. Cecelia Reyes as a serious threat when she is one of the lamest mutants ever.)
I’ll get some positives going up front. For once, the women actually had the most character development and growth in an X-film. I really loved how Danielle Moonstar, Rahne Sinclair and Illyana Rasputin were at the center of this story – even if the latter was turned into a mean girl for no apparent reason. Having the movie rely so heavily on them was a great choice with Blu Hunt, Maisie Williams and Anya Taylor-Joy all doing a tremendous job.
On the flip side, I thought the two male leads added nothing to the movie. It especially pains me to say that since Cannonball is legitimately one of my favourite mutants. It was also strange to experience Roberto da Costa being portrayed so much better in X-Men 97. (I actually had to point out who he was to my wife.) I just thought both were so generic but don’t know if that’s on the actors, director or both.
Beyond how much of a slog the majority of this movie was, I really despise its cynical take on superheroes. When done well, you get a TV show like The Boys, something entertaining that’s multidimensional and works on different levels – I’m not counting the comic book here. With this movie though, it makes everything feel like these characters are just out to save themselves instead of doing anything heroic. It also tries way too hard to seem edgy and youthful, leading to some truly cringe-inducing moments and dialogue.
I’m also sure you touched upon it, but the behind-the-scenes insanity of this film was probably more compelling than the movie itself. It was originally intended to take place three years after X-Men: Apocalypse, which would’ve resulted in that movie’s post-credits scene actually making sense! I also learned that Fox made Boon tone down the film and remove the horror elements he’d pitched. Apparently that cut tested better than Deadpool (which is something I question) and Fox responded by creating a trailer… that framed the film as a horror movie. Due to the positive feedback from that, the studio then wanted him to reshoot half the film to add more elements of horror. What took place afterwards is a bit confusing, but it seems like Disney’s acquisition and related delays prevented this from happening. (For some reason the actors aged up considerably in the THREE YEARS it took to commit to reshoots.)
Finally, it’s time for the main event. I watched this with my wife, the Guiding Goddess herself. Here are her thoughts:
The “original” Native American quote featured two wolves and was made up by Billy Graham. But hey, since it’s a fictional saying anyway, let’s make it bears so it can fit the movie.
Girls always be trippin’ in the woods running for their lives.
Hospitals always be poorly lit.
Boys always be crying in the mirror and punching it.
Men (often dead men) always be saving the day by giving that last bit of guidance to the girl so she can slay the beast.
Solitary wasn’t actually any different from non-solitary.
How did no one besides Illyana realize it was Dani the whole time? I guess that level of deduction probably helped the plot though. They also didn’t realize the doctor was bad, Illyana probably could have teleported on to the other side of the barrier, knocking out the doc might help or that every bedroom feels like a prison cell. (BA’s note: Adding to this – I know they didn’t realize it, but shouldn’t the teens have at least explored the grounds when Dr. Reyes was drugged? her plasma force field should’ve been down and saved them a lot of hassle later.)
“You keep my dad’s name out of your mouth”" — So Danny is who Will Smith got the line from!
And the puppet… couldn’t the dragon end up being cool and not looking like Spyro?
It was a movie and if you turned off your mind (nearly all the way off), it was a decent watch. (BA note: My wife wanted me to add that she didn’t understand anything about Illyana like how her powers worked, or how she got to the facility.)
Well, I think I’ve expended all the energy I can on this movie. I am so scared for Madame Web next week and fear for my level of sanity following the experience. Enjoy a round of ice cold cans of Canada Dry and until next time, make mine MCU L8r, fellow haters. Brap brap!
P.S. In case you’re wondering what a Blind Avenger and Guiding Goddess look like, I’ve attached an image my wife drew of The Blindnamic Duo for a podcast we used to host together. (Apologies if the image is sized incorrectly… I’m still blind after all.)
I saw New Mutants during year one of COVID and I haven’t gone to a theatre for a whole year after that.
The only two things I did like about it were Anya Taylor-Joy and Maisie Williams.
Dc jermaine from Chicago. What’s up rich. Hope your chiefs have a great season. What’s up wh? The new ben Johnson of Canada. I’m joking, your are a good guy. When I seen this film it was promoted to me like a scary movie but it’s not scary at all. It’s a boring film that was hard for me to get thru. I just can’t imagine having all this X-men I.p and making this movie. Always respect the creators of art but this sucked worst than secret invasion. I promise to give more effort in my review next week. Mcu later. See rich I can do a review without slandering marvel
I wasn’t going to comment when I didn’t rewatch the films with you guys and I definitely didn’t want to watch new mutants or dark phoenix (but I listened to everything you guys said and loved it!). Besides, I thought my last feedback about deadpool was really good talking about symbolism and stuff with wolverine so I thought I wouldn’t tarnish that one time I made a good comment. It didn’t matter it wasn’t read, I was proud of it.
But then my instagram showed me a woman putting saran wrap on her head smeared with churu treats to distract her cat enough to cut its nails and I took it as a sign that I needed to come back. I took a deep breath and watched Madame Web.
Actual Madamoiselle Web feedback
When I watched the spiderman cartoon as a kid and the series ended with Madame Web, I thought it was an alternate universe Aunt May that was a wheelchair bound mermaid or something. When I watched the film last week, I saw Cassandra go in the water at the beginning of the film and I thought, “oh that’s how she’ll become a mermaid”. I clearly never grew out of how dumb I am.
This beating around the bush about spiderman is really weird. All this film was missing was a box of rice and a neighbour named Miriam-Janiqua.
Tempered praise
If you took all the comic/marvel/spider stuff out, it still wouldn’t be a good film but it would be a solid B+ supernatural horror/thriller-chase centered around precognition. The actors playing the teenagers did well with the scripts they had, the directing and camera shots were good, again given the confines of the script. I wasn’t a fan of the editing of the film and that whole scene when Cassandra hugs her mom felt so forced.
I’ve made it a point of contention not to watch any of the Sony live action Spider-Verse movies as I’m not kidding when I say that some sort of sanctioning body of government should step in and give Spider-Man back to Marvel.
I don’t care how “fun” or “campy” the Venom or Morbius movies are, I refuse to watch them but because I love you three I gave it a shot.
Cinematic abortion is the only word to describe this film.
A jumbled up convoluted mess of a plot with a pay off that never comes.
The writers saw Final Destination and tried to write a spider verse adjacent film in the worst way possible, the non existent character of Death in those films is a more fleshed out character than whatever the fuck Ezekiel Sims was supposed to be.
I understand wanting to cash in on the superhero craze and collect a paycheck but we need to publicly bully and shame all of the actors in this movie for participating in this.
Except for Sydney Sweeney, Brandon from New Jersey knows what I mean.
Sony didn’t even bother to have any of the characters be referred to by their superhero names and they’re only seen in full costume during a vision?
This is garbage for the lowest common denominator on par with whatever DC has spewed out post Snyderverse.
Fuck you, Sony.
Hello dearest MCU H8ers. after listening to this movie for the podcast, I think it’s only fair that you use a snooty french accent when saying “Madame Web” while reading my feedback. Monkey’s paw rules are in full effect after all!
If I had my way, the tagline for this movie would be Madame Web: Like Doctor Strange but so much worse or Madame Web: Like Doctor Strange but with 100% more inaccurate CPR. Seriously, when Baywatch provides a more realistic depiction of CPR, your film is in trouble.
All kidding aside, I’m just going to come out and say it off the top. While it may be a hot take, this movie is infinitely more entertaining than Morbius. Both definitely suck worse than the living vampire himself, but at least this film doesn’t have Jared Leto or hold back in its stupidity. With Morbius, it felt like they still believed they were making something good. With Madame Web though, everyone seemed checked out through the majority of filming.
While many will say the movie doesn’t connect to any real timeline, I disagree. If you listen carefully, you’ll realize the character of Bad ADR from the post-credits scene in Morbius continues their journey in this film. Sure, they changed their physical embodiment from the Vulture to that of Ezekiel Simms, but you could definitely tell that the character arc was carried over. (On a side-note, how much better would this movie have been if Ezekiel Simms had a twin brother named Elias who was also trying to kill the girls? Imagine the hilarity as Madame Web tried proving it was just one person this whole time!)
Can we all agree that Madame Web has the dumbest powers ever? She’s a bargain bin Doctor Strange who can’t do anything but see into the future… but only minutes into the future. How useless is that? She can also split herself in three… until someone punches her. I guess she also has the power of plot geography which came in handy: How did she get to such a dense forest from Queens so quickly? How did she fly to and from Peru in a day or two while being wanted by the police for kidnapping? Plot geography, you dorks! Still, she has no offensive powers whatsoever… so much so that she only defeats the villain by rigging objects that increase in size to hit him. Well that and she’s equipped with the power of product placement. (Let’s pour a bottle of Pepsi out for those people in the helicopter who are surely dead, by the way.)
(Also, when Cassie showed up to drive the ambulance in the third act, I was convinced she was gonna pull a Luke Skywalker from The Last Jedi and reveal she was still in Peru. Even if she’d used her duplicate as a decoy until arriving at a pivotal moment to save the girls, it could’ve paid off the whole “are you showing off” thing that wasn’t funny at all. Speaking of Star Wars, R.I.P. James Earl Jones)
I found it really hard to like anyone as they routinely made the dumbest decisions. Why didn’t Ben tell the teens to stay behind when Mary went into labour? Why did Cassie use a taxi to drive around the city when it would be the most obvious thing to identify? I get that she removed the license plates but wouldn’t the BRIGHT YELLOW taxi still have an ID number regardless? Why would the girls decide to dance on a table when they’re told to keep a low profile? Even if they weren’t missing, that’s going to get you kicked out of a family diner at best and arrested at worst! I know I’m looking for logic where there’s none, but some of this stuff is pretty ridiculous – don’t even get me started on their use of defibrillators!
Finally, one of the most insulting things for me came late in the film. Although I’m a big proponent of representation when it comes to the disabled, this is NEVER what I want. When losing my eyesight in 2001, do you know what I never did? Wake up and randomly reach out to know if other people were in the room! Blind people can still use their voices, hearing and intelligence to figure out their surroundings after all. I also swore at the movie when she broke out the line about seeing better than ever after going blind. Don’t patronize me Dakota Johnson, you don’t know what it’s like! (fun fact: Every time Cassandra used her Madame-o-vision after glass broke, the audio descriptions said they were spiderweb-like cracks. Kudos to them for trying to tie it together and all, but as my wife pointed out, this isn’t represented visually whatsoever. They couldn’t even do the audio description correctly in a movie where the main protagonist becomes blind!)
I’m running long here and we still have to get to the main event, but I’ve come with my own recommendation this week. If you want more entertainment, check out the relatively recent podcast on the movie by How Did This Get Made? To give you a small taste, they posit the film shows that Spider-Man is actually a case of cultural appropriation. The powers and costumes come from ol’ freaky Zekey and the Amazonian tribe. Could it also be that Madame Web told Ben the “Once you accept responsibility, great power will come” chestnut and he just mangled the line upon telling it to Peter 15 years later? It’s worth a listen and covers so many things I don’t have the time to hear.
On that note (and since I don’t want to keep Rich reading for the next two hours,) I’ll pass it over to my wife the Guiding Goddess and her notes about the film:
Her overall Take aways:
1, Do not follow any first aid advice from Webb. I mean it. None.
2, Super power people in wheelchairs can just claim kids as their own without issue. Should be called Mamma Webb. (BA’s note: Are Madame Web and Professor X like Pokemon trainers? Gotta catch 'em all!)
3, Webb’s advice “Don’t do dumb things” is a lesson learnt far too late for all those involved in this movie.
4, It doesn’t matter.
(BA’s note: I just want to point out that my wife watched this movie twice. During her second watch, she went out of her way to find Rich and WH in one of my tweets to tag them in a comment about the film. I had no idea she was going to do this and it made me cackle when I woke up in the morning to read it. That’s the power of Madame’s web, folks – it’s connecting all of us!)
Now that the webbening is done, it’s nice to hear the news about Destin Daniel Cretton directing Spider-Man 4. With such a bright future ahead of us, let’s put this movie in the rearview and get ready for Agatha All Along next week. Until then, enjoy a round of crisp ice cold Canada Dry and make mine MCU L8r… for the love of god, not H8r. Park mark out. Brap brap!
P.S. Don’t be a freeloader. Give WH what he wants and get your friends to sign up to the Post Wrestling Cafe! (Also, I wholeheartedly endorse Rich’s call for Blindnamic Duo merchandise. lol)
Dc Jermaine from Chicago. Hi rich and wh and The man who it wouldn’t be a mcu later, wai ting. Let me put wai over real quick. This man customer service is top notch. any problems you have he will go step by step to resolve them. He never forgets to read feedback. A all around good guy who makes you feel good about spending your money on his product. What a Canadian! on to my movie review. I compare madam web to Agatha all alone in the sense of if you look at marvel ip you would never pick to make either. I have a love hate relationship with Sony movie studio. They made enter the spiderverse a excellent series. We won’t see part 3 for a long time now. Sony has the Spider-Man ip which is next to Batman as a great world to make movies in. Sony has made spider Gwen so good to me,she is so cool and little girls love her. She is a billion dollar I.p so why are we getting madam web and morbius ( wasn’t as bad as I expected) Sony please do better man. Madam web has two good things in it but I won’t talk about it here… shout-out Sweeney. Why was it never explained how web got from the Amazon back to America? What was up with that weird voice the main villain was using? I feel bad for these women who seem like they are next to blow. Isabel Merced is about to be Shayera. Wh will tell how much of a bad ass hero her and her mace is. Shoehorning Ben Parker in to the story was lame. They say this is like Sonys dr strange movie What a slap in the face of those two movies. I’m very happy that we are getting back to reviewing good things. Wait Agatha all along is next? It might be a little longer wait. The news section should be dc and marvel. Was great hearing green latren talk. FYI they are casting a older Hal Jordan who been in the game for years and a younger Jon steward how could this not be great? Mcu later